


Guns n Roses

by Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Forbidden Love, Guns, Happy Ending, Humor, Jaskier is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Slice of Life, Teenage Drama, Violence, mafia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22314721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop/pseuds/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop
Summary: Jaskier leads a double life. On one hand he's trying to balance his family's involvement with the mafia, on the other he's trying to deal with his crush on resident bad boy Geralt. It's kind of a clusterfuck.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier's Mom/Keanu Reeves
Comments: 12
Kudos: 21





	Guns n Roses

Jaskier is living a life no human boy should live.

By day, he's just your average seventeen year old. He goes to school, he hangs out with his friends, he summons Satan every night to fill the empty void inside him. You know the one. (His butthole.)

But you're not seeing the full picture here. Jaskier isn't just your average human boy. Jaskier is a human member of the mafia.

"I don't have time to pimp your bitch," Jaskier says on the phone to a fellow mafia homie. "I'm trying to score a hot date to human prom, Dad!"

And he has JUST the hot date in mind.

Geralt of Dikia. The baddest bitch in school. His hair is white because he's a flaming Emo, but also because his mother permanently singed his hair in a mad Juuling accident last year. Also, he doesn't wash his hands in the bathroom. Jaskier once touched them in a heated moment of sexual tension (passing a note from Geralt to Yennefer) and he hasn't washed his hands since. Geralt always wears crop tops and sometimes Jaskier even catches sight of a nipple or two when he watches him in the boyz locker room.

So yeah. Mafia duties aside, Jaskier has a mission of his own.

"Hewwo Gewalt!" Jaskier says, throwing a chicken nugget at Geralt's fine asshole during lunch.

Geralt swings his hips around, hitting several people in the process. "Hmm?" he says, but his hips are saying _hmm?_

"Wanna go to human prom with yo boy? By the way, I'm yo boy. Skinny penis."

Geralt thinks about it for a second. "You really think you can handle these hips, yo boy?"

Jaskier thinks about it for a second. "I'm a member of a very important organization. I know a thing or two about hips and how to handle them."

"Hmm. Pick me up at 7. Bring me Taco Bell or no hip action."

Score! Forget being a member of the mafia. Jaskier is now pimping bitches to HIMSELF.

There is only one problem- Jaskier can't afford Taco Bell! He's a thespian!

His dad is the leader of the mafia but the Mafia only has ties with McDonalds, not Taco Bell. He is going to have to do an illegal against them to get the food and get the boy's heart.

He pulls up into the mafia warehouse and grabs his Illegal Tasks bag, then has his mom drive him to Taco Bell because he can't pass his driver's exam. His mom gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to have fun before driving off. Jaskier doesn't have the heart to tell her she's driving on the wrong side of the road and killing lots of people in the process.

He pulls a gun out of his butt holster and says his signature line. "Live fast, eat ass." And then he orders a taco with the money he took from his mom's purse.

After paying, Jaskier heads to the bathroom and returns the gun to his butt holster. It takes a couple tries, so he's almost late when he walks to Geralt's house.

That's strange. Geralt lives in a lizard habitat at PetSmart? Weird. Jaskier shrugs it off. He's too excited about Geralt's peepee hands.

"Ready?" he asks Geralt.

Geralt hisses.

They walk into human prom. There is LOTS of sexual conduct happening at this human prom. Jaskier sees Mr. Mousesack trying to separate two twerking teens, but he ends up just joining in on the fun. Nice.

"So, wanna dance?" Jaskier asks.

"Where's my McDonalds?" Geralts says.

Jaskier's heart drops. "Y-You said Taco Bell, Geralt... I brought you tacos."

Geralt's like, "I'm on a no carb diet, Daffodil. I can't eat tacos. God, you're so insensitive."

"It's... it's Jaskier..." Jaskier feels like he's going to cry.

"Whatever, let's just get to the part where we're butt grinding," Geralt says, beginning to sway his hips in provocative motions. Suddenly Jaskier forgets that Geralt doesn't know his name and becomes horny.

They dance for a while, Jaskier getting super sweaty and remembering that he forgot to apply an extra layer of deodorant. He knows he has pit stains, but he's too much in the groove of shaking his booty to care.

They're cutting the rug to the Paw Patrol theme song when he hears the first scream.

"Get down!" someone yells at the DJ stand.

"Yeaaaaah!" Jaskier screams. "We are getting down! With this beat!"

"No!" they scream back. "Keanu Reeves has a gun!" And then their head explodes into a million pieces.

Keanu Reeves? His fucking DAD is here? He can't see how hard Jaskier is clapping his ass in his booty shorts! 

"Good job, son," yells Keanu breathtakingly. "You got one!"

"Got a what, dad?" Jaskier is so confusion. There are lots of dead bodies around him. The dance floor is literally lit and flames are growing around Keanu's beautiful visage. Yeah he thinks his dad is beautiful--- he has _eyes_ , goddammit Bobby.

"A... A li--- Jaskier, did you even check the mafia group chat this morning?"

"Uh... no."

"I have slight disappointment in you, son. But i still love you because I'm Keanu Reeves. There are lizards impersonating people in this human town of ours. That boy with the hips is one of them. Also, Donald Trump, but he's golfing right now so we'll get em later."

Jaskier follows the trajectory of where his dad's gun is pointing and feels his ass drop. It's at Geralt of Dikia, his hot _human boy_ date. "How could this be? Tell me it's not true, Geralt."

Geralt's tongue flicks out to taste the air. "He's lying to you, Daffodil. No lizards here. As you can see, I am a human boy."

"Ask him," Keanu says. "Ask him something only a mammal would know."

Jaskier doesn't want to, but he turns to Geralt and asks, "What's the perfect temperature to hatch an egg at?"

"Easy, that's anywhere from 70 to 92 degrees depending on the habitat or species," Geralt says confidently. A film blinks sideways over his yellow eyes, just like in that one incriminating video of Justin Bieber.

Keanu puts an arm around Jaskier as he starts crying. "So you do hatch eggs. Only lizards do that, Geralt. Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Sorry I didn't tell you," Geralt says. "I'm hormonal because it's egg hatching season. See?" An egg pops out of his bussy right then and there.

Keanu hands Jaskier a gun. "You know what you have to do, son."

Jaskier nods. Tears slip down his face like an animu. He levels the gun with shaking hands, counts down, five... four... three... one...

"Wait, Daffodil, baby," Geralt says. "It doesn't have to be like this. These hips are yours, if you just don't shoot me please."

Jaskier hesitates. His hips are what he fell for first. "Okay."

"DAMMIT, JASKIER," Keanu says. "I'll be waiting for you in the car outside But remember. I am very disappoint, son." He walks out in a parade of puppies and candy.

Jaskier grabs Geralt's wiener hand. "So what now?" he asks, smiling at the love of his life.

"I have some things to take care of before we can be together forever," Geralt says before killing all the mafia members except for Keanu Reeves. "Also I have to eat your arm."

"Wha---"

Jaskier screeches as Geralt eats his arm. He quickly realizes it isn't personal and he should be happy to share.

"Right on, man!" Yennefer shouts from the sidelines. She also had her arm eaten by a lizard person. Solidarity.

After that, Jaskier retires from the mafia to be a stay at home egg mother to all of Geralt's lizard eggs. They happily reside at Pet Smart in the lizard department. The habitat is small but homey. Keanu Reeves often visits them to tap on the glass and to feed Jaskier crickets. His mom brings him McDonalds chicken mcnuggets daily.

Jaskier couldn't ask for a better life.

THE END :D

**Author's Note:**

> Beezow can have a little kudos


End file.
